


Goodbye Max

by ScreamingMother



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Has Anxiety, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Hurt Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Sharing a Bed, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:55:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27779464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScreamingMother/pseuds/ScreamingMother
Summary: After the death of his youngest brother, Alec Lightwood is left drowning in grief and regret. Being a Shadow Hunter, he never really learned how to cope with loss, especially not such a significant one.Basically, Alec is a mess and Isabelle and Magnus try to be there for him.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Max Lightwood, Alec Lightwood/Original Male Character(s), Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Kudos: 31





	Goodbye Max

Isabelle walked into the training room where Alec was punching a punching bag. He had been working out for hours on end with barely any breaks and she was starting to get concerned for her older brother.

Isabelle knew that Alec was never as close to Max as Jace was. Alec wasn’t as good with children as Jace was and never as confident around them. But that didn’t mean Alec didn’t care about Max’s death. Everyone knew how devastated Alec was and they all just tried to stay away and give him space.

Now it had been about three weeks since Max died and Isabelle had enough of Alec’s distance.

Slowly she approached Alec, her heels clicking against the tiled floor as she did. The room was cold since Alec had maxed the air conditioner and had kept the door closed. I’m a swift motion, Isabelle brought her arms up to hug herself in an attempt to get some warmth.

“Big brother,” Isabelle tried cheerfully, “want to get some Italian food with myself and Jace? It is getting late and we are starved so I figured you might be too.”

Alec didn’t respond for a moment and Isabelle wasn’t sure if he was going to. But then he stopped hitting the bag and took a deep breath, wiping some sweat from off his forehead.

“No thanks, I’m not hungry,” he replied.

Isabelle raised an eyebrow, “none of us have seen you eat today.”

“Again, I am not hungry,” Alec repeated and went back to punching the bag.

Isabelle stood there and watched, a small shiver going through her body. She wanted to just grab Alec and get him out of this room before he either fainted from being overworked or broke his knuckles.

“Let us at least bring you back something,” Isabelle insisted.

“I said I’m not hungry. Can’t you listen for once in your life!?” Alec snapped.

The room was then silent except for the air conditioner buzzing in the background. Blue eyes stared into brown, one pair blown wide and filled with frustration while the other pair softened.

Isabelle sighed, “I am not the one you are angry at.”

“Are you sure about that?” Alec scoffed.

“What does that mean?” Isabelle asked.

Seconds ticked by without a response and Isabelle again questioned if she was going to get one. “Alec?”

“You were there. You were with him when it happened,” Alec mumbled.

Isabelle swallowed hard, “with Max? Is that what you’re talking about?”

Alec took the boxing gloves off and stalked towards the shelf to put them away. He kept his back completely turned to Isabelle as he grabbed his shirt and went to leave the room.

“You didn’t answer me!” She cried out after him.

“Yeah, yeah I do Isabelle! You should’ve known something was wrong and you should have protected him. He’s... he was tiny and vulnerable and a fucking child Isabelle,” Alec said, his voice rising with every word.

“I didn’t kill Max. It wasn’t my fault.”

“You might as well have. You let that psychopath do it for you,” Alec screamed.

A sharp slap echoed through the room leaving both Isabelle and Alec stunned for a moment. Alec’s reaction was delayed but after a few seconds, he grabbed his cheek where a small red mark was starting to form.

Isabelle let out a small sob, “burn in hell, Alec.”

She glared at him for a moment before turning and leaving the room. Alec focused hardly on the sound of her heels angrily hitting the floor.

Alec pulled his hand from his cheek and glanced at the tiny drops of blood on his palm from Isabelle’s nails. He wiped his cheek with his fist and then left but not after his younger sister. Instead, he aimlessly walked down the halls of the Institute, completely aware of his Parabatai calling after him. Alec just ignored him and continued through the halls until he got to the front doors, unlocked them and walked outside into the late-night-breeze.

His chest felt heavy and his breath was coming in short pants. The disgusting feeling of bile was gathering in his throat and after a few minutes of walking, he promptly leaned over and vomited on the sidewalk. After a moment, he managed to stand up again followed by a small groan. Tears were gathering in his eyes but he bit his lip and took a shaky breath to try and hold it back. He didn’t want to feel anything. If there was a way to switch off emotions or to forget all the pain, Alec wanted that. This was the complete opposite of what Alec wanted. He needed to be the strong one through all this— he promised Max he’d be strong for him.

Before Alec knew it, he had recovered and started to walk again although his chest was still heavy and his head felt fuzzy. He wasn’t even sure where he was headed especially with the disgusting taste he had in his mouth.

The next thing Alec remembered was knocking on Magnus’ door with a shiver going through his body. He looked around in confusion as Magnus opened the door.

“Alexander, what are you doing here so late? And why didn’t you use your key?” Magnus asked as he looked him up and down.

Alec caught eyes with Magnus and by the face Magnus made, Alec knew he had given himself away.

Magnus took a breath and continued, “I haven’t heard from you in a while... since we got back together and came back to New York to be specific. Are you okay?”

They stood there in silence for a few moments and then Alec felt a hand on his shoulder. “Come inside, you don’t look well. You should sit down.”

Magnus didn’t let go of Alec’s shoulder, even as he moved to the side to let Alec in and shut the door. He even held Alec’s shoulder as Magnus and he headed towards the couch and both sat down.

“You must be freezing. It may be warm in New York right now but not warm enough to walk around without a jacket,” Magnus said. “Throw that blanket next to you on your shoulders and I’ll go make your favourite tea.”

“Actually, can I just have some herbal tea if it isn’t too much trouble?” Alec asked wearily.

Magnus smiled softly, “nothing I do for you is trouble, Alexander. I offer to do things for you because I like doing things for you.”

Alec looked away, still embarrassed by Magnus’s affections after all these months of being together.

“I’ll be right back,” Magnus chuckled slightly.

“Wait,” Alec blurted before Magnus could leave the room.

Magnus turned around immediately, a small look of worry dragging itself onto his face. Alec could tell because his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth curved in a mix of a frown and pout.

“I know this is probably one of the weirdest questions you have gotten tonight but can I brush my teeth?” Alec asked.

“Uh, yeah, of course. When we broke up, I didn’t throw out your toothbrush,” Magnus replied. “It’s still in the bathroom of the bedroom.”

Alec nodded and got up and headed towards the bathroom without another word. He heard Magnus clattering cups and things in the kitchen as he was brushing his teeth and it was comforting to know Magnus was so concerned for him. Even if he hated worrying Magnus he couldn’t deny he somewhat enjoyed the attention.

After he was done brushing his teeth, he splashed some water on his face and sighed. Then he went back into the living room and grabbed the blanket Magnus had mentioned before and draped it over his shoulders.

At that moment, Magnus entered the living room with two cups surrounded by steam. They sat down together so close that their legs were against each other. Magnus passed one of the cups to Alec and he took it mumbling a thank you as he did.

“So, what are you doing at my doorstep at eleven in the night... not that I mind,” Magnus smiled.

“I don’t know how I got here,” Alec practically whispered. “The last thing I remember was walking out of the institute for fresh air and then I was here.”

The upset look that was on Magnus’ face earlier came back. “You don’t remember walking here?”

“No,” Alec said shaking his head.

“Alexander, please talk to me. What is going on?” Magnus pleaded as he put a hand on Alec’s knee.

“I feel so empty without him, Magnus. Being around my family feels so wrong now like something is missing. Max kept our family together. He kept us all from fighting and ripping one another’s heads off most of the time. I think this is what’s finally gonna tear us apart... not me, Isabelle and Jace but it’s definitely gonna ruin our parent's relationship,” Alec said shakily.

Alec felt Magnus’ thumb started to rub over his knee gently in an attempt to comfort him and beg him to continue at the same time.

“I promised Max I would protect him and look what has happened now,” Alec continued.

“What happened wasn’t anyone’s fault, Alexander. You all trusted Johnathan. It wasn’t just you who never seen this coming. Everyone was blinded,” Magnus whispered.

Alec sniffled, “I know but that doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“I know it doesn’t. Trust me, I know. But you are going to feel a lot worse if you put this all on yourself. You can’t bear the guilt and wrongdoings of other people, especially not right now.”

“Isabelle and I got into a fight. I said some really, really bad things that I didn’t even mean. Nothing I said was even true,” Alec sobbed.

Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec and pulled him close. “What happened after that?”

“She slapped me and I went outside for fresh air. My chest felt heavy and I couldn’t breathe. I threw up which is why I brushed my teeth when I got here and I felt really dizzy. I don’t know why I continued walking but I just did,” Alec explained, his voice rough from crying.

“Alec, have you ever dissociated before?” Magnus asked.

“Disso— what?” Alec asked.

Magnus sighed, “Alec, I think you were close to an anxiety attack but your body was so determined to not have one that you just dissociated instead. To summarize, dissociating is when your mind can’t handle certain information so it disconnects from things such as surroundings or feelings. I only think that is what happened because you said you found it hard to breathe, your chest felt heavy, you felt dizzy and you threw up which are symptoms of an anxiety attack. Then you couldn’t remember coming here which sometimes happens when you dissociate. I am not diagnosing you by any means but it is a theory.”

Alec didn’t say anything as Magnus continued to hold him. He just shut his eyes and listened to Magnus’ breathing, thankful that being against Magnus like this was starting to warm him up.

“It’ll be hard for a long time, Alexander. The pain will probably never go away but it will numb with time. It’ll probably come and go as well as the years go on and you’ll never get over what happened to Max but... you’ll move on. You’ll accept that it is what happened and that you couldn’t change it and you’ll decide to continue living.”

“I want him back,” Alec retorted similar to a child. “I just want him back.”

“I know you do. I know you’d give anything for it but it just isn’t possible,” Magnus consoled as he moved a hand to Alec’s hair and started to play with it.

Alec felt like pulling away from the touch but he didn’t. “He was so young. Shadow Hunters usually die young but not that young. It isn’t fair.”

Magnus nodded, knowing that Alec just needed someone to listen right now.

“As a Shadow Hunter, you get your first Rune, the Angelic Rune, at the age of twelve. Once you get your Angelic Rune, you can get a Parabatai. At fifteen, you are allowed to drink and you can get married at eighteen. If you live in Idris, you can become part of the Clave or the Counsel. But Max didn’t get a chance to do any of that. He never fell in love or got his first Rune or fought a demon. He didn’t even get to say goodbye to his family. He never grew up... goddamnit Magnus, he was only eleven,” Alec sobbed lightly.

Magnus moved his hand to the back of Alec’s hair and kissed his head gently. “I am so sorry, Alec.”

Alec continued to cry as their tea sat on the coffee table going to waste. Eventually, Alec’s loud sobs slowed and turned into silent tears. Alec let out a sniffle once in a while but other than that, the room quickly came to a quiet.

Magnus still didn’t say a word as they sat there in a pile of tangled limbs.

“Fuck, I am really sorry,” Alec said after a few minutes of silence had gone by.

“Don’t you dare,” Magnus scolded, still not moving.

Alec pulled away first and looked up at Magnus, tears dried to his face and his blue eye darker than usual surrounded by irritated redness. This made Magnus more upset than before but he tried his absolute hardest not to show how much Alec’s feelings affected him.

Magnus didn’t want Alec to pull away or hide from him in fear of making him upset. That was the last thing he wanted. He would take being heavy-hearted by Alec being upset over Alec being upset by alone feeling like he couldn’t talk to anyone.

With that, Magnus found something else to say, “you aren’t going home. I won’t let you.”

“I have bothered you enough, you know,” Alec said, his voice implying that he was slowly starting to push away again.

“I told you not to do that. You are staying here with me and you aren’t allowed to apologize for it or feel guilty in any way. I am your boyfriend which means we are supposed to take care of one another when things go wrong, okay?”

Alec nodded and Magnus got up, taking Alec’s hand and pulling him up off the couch. “Great, I’ll get you some sleepwear.”

Before Alec knew it they were cuddled up in Magnus’ bed, his head on Magnus’ chest and his arms wrapped around his torso. He muttered a quick, “I love you,” to Magnus before quickly falling into a deep sleep.

”Alec!” A voice whined outside of his bedroom door.

Alec groaned in response and glanced over at the clock on his nightstand. The clock read 1:54 AM and he pushed back the urge to groan again. Who was knocking at his door at this hour?

A few more pounds hit the door and the voice bawled again, “big brother, please wake up.”

That was enough to get Alec to pull himself out of bed and drag himself to his bedroom door. He flicked the lock and opened the door slowly, poking his head out and looking downward.

“Max,” he whispered. “What are you doing up this late?”

”I’m scared. I had a nightmare,” Max mumbled. “It’s embarrassing but I can’t get back to sleep.”

”Why did you come here?” Alec marvelled. “I thought you would want to go to Jace.”

“I’m embarrassed enough as it is... why would I go to Jace!? I don’t want him to think I am weak,” Max stammered.

Alec couldn’t help the small smile that found its way onto his face. He didn’t know why it made him happy that going to Alec was Max’s first choice when he’s upset. It made Alec feel special that Max was willing to be vulnerable around him and not Jace.

“Well, do you want to come in?” Alec asked.

Max nodded and brushed past Alec without a word. He sat on the end of Alec’s bed with a sigh.

”So, what was the nightmare about?” Alec uttered as he sat next to Max.

Max swallowed hard and looked up at Alec, “a Shax Demon got into the Institute. Everyone was freaking out trying to go after it and I got freaked out so I grabbed a seraph blade and ran towards my room. On the way there, the Demon threw itself in front of me so then I turned around and tried to run the other way but... it grabbed my leg and...”

Alec put a hand on Max’s shoulder. “We would never let that happen, you know that, right? Especially with a Shax Demon. Such a weak Demon would never find its way through the wards.”

Max nodded, “I know. It was still scary though. The thought of dying... that’s scary.”

“I know it is but I promise, I’ll always protect you,” Alec insisted.

“You will?” Max asked.

“Of course, I would never let anything happen to you, Isabelle or Jace,” Alec reassured. “I’m your big brother, the oldest child, it’s my job to protect you all.”

Max’s eyes gleamed with a mixture of respect and proudness towards his brother.

Alec leaned over and hugged his youngest brother, holding him as close as he could. Max stiffened for a second but then he laughed and hugged back.

“I love you, Alec, and just know that it’s okay,” Max mumbled.

Alec pulled back quickly and stared at Max in confusion. “What? What is okay?”

Max smiled, “that you weren’t there to protect me. It wasn’t your fault or Isabelle’s... sometimes tragedies just happen. We grew up hearing about them all the time, ya know, Shadow Hunters dying young. Please don’t blame yourself.”

“Max,” Alec gasped finally realizing that this was a dream. He started to remember everything including Max’s death and the funeral. “Please don’t go.”

Max sniffled, “I am sorry but I think this is the last time we will see each other for now.”

“No,” Alec begged as he put his arms around him again. “Please Max. This isn’t fair. Please, please, please don’t leave.”

“It’s okay big brother, everything will be fine,” Max comforted. “I’ll see you again soon. Well, hopefully not too soon but someday we will be reunited. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

Alec sobbed, “I love you. I love you so much. I wish I had my time back I... I would’ve been a better brother I—“

“You are an amazing brother,” Max declared as he pulled away from Alec. “You’ll have an amazing life, I promise. I’ll protect you, like a guardian angel or something. And then one day, when it’s your turn, we will hang out again and we can do all the things we didn’t get to do.”

“Max,” Alec pleaded. “Don’t go.”

“I am sorry but time is up... I have been here for too long as it is,” Max smiled sadly. “I love you, Alec.”

“Alec! Alec, please wake up,” Magnus said as he shook Alec.

Alec opened his eyes and looked up at Magnus, a few tears finding their way down his cheeks.

Magnus pulled Alec up and into a hug. “You’ve been crying in your sleep. Talking too but none of it made sense. I couldn’t wake you up.”

“Do you believe in spirits?” Alec asked quietly as he wrapped his arms around Magnus.

Magnus was silent for a moment as if he was thinking about it. “Maybe? I suppose it is possible. Why?”

“You’ll probably think I am crazy but... I think I talked to Max in my dream. It was a memory at first. I was reliving this one night where he came into my room and I was comforting him, promising to protect him and then... he was reassuring me it wasn’t my fault he died.”

Magnus gasped but didn’t speak.

“Or maybe it was just my brain making things up because now that I say it out loud it sounds absolutely insane,” Alec confessed.

“No, it doesn’t,” Magnus replied patiently. “It makes sense. I mean, we can’t be sure but it definitely sounds extraterrestrial.”

“I don’t want to go back to sleep,” Alec mumbled as he looked at the clock that read 6:49 AM. “You are more than welcome to but there’s something I have to do.”

Magnus looked concerned but nodded anyway. Alec smiled and pressed a small kiss onto Magnus’ lips. “I’ll be quick,” he whispered and grabbed his phone off the nightstand.

Once Alec was in the living room he unlocked his phone and started dialing the number he remembered off by heart. It rung a few times and then a familiar voice hit his ears.

“Hey,” the voice giggled. “It’s Max Lightwood here. I’m probably too busy to answer your phone call or I just don’t like you and I’m ignoring you. Either way, leave a message and I’ll think about calling you back. Don’t expect much though because I hate social interaction.”

Alec chuckled lightly even though his eyes were starting to sting with tears again.

“Anyways, yeah, that is all, I think,” Max continued. “See you around.” Then the phone made a beeping noise indicating that Alec could speak.

Alec took a deep breath and then spoke, “I know you’ll never hear this but I need to get this off my chest. It’s silly but I can’t think of another way to get this out...”

The phone line was still silent and Alec took another shaky breath.

“Since we’ve lost you my life hasn’t felt the same. Some mornings I wake up and for a few minutes, I forget you are gone. I’ll eat breakfast and think about how you, mom and dad are in Idris and then I’ll realize that you aren’t here anymore. Then the hurt comes and I just want to break and go back to bed and never wake up. It gets hard to breathe...” Alec explained to the empty room. “I just want closure now and hearing your voice tonight helped with that. Getting to tell you how much I love you helped with that. But I just need to say one more thing...”

“You only have thirty more seconds,” the robotic voice on the phone exclaimed.

“Goodbye Max,” Alec uttered and then clicked send.

“Your message has been sent. Goodbye,” the robotic voice replied and then hung up.

After sitting in the dimly lit room in silence for a moment, Alec’s fingers started tapping on his phone again. This was followed by another ringing noise.

The phone rang a total of three times before he heard a tired, “hello?”

“Isabelle, I’m at Magnus’ and I’m doing okay,” Alec sighed already knowing she and Jace were worried. “I’m sorry for what I said last night... can we talk?”

Alec could practically hear her smile through the phone. “Of course, when and where?”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry that this is so bad. I just needed to write a tribute to Max Lightwood because he deserved better.


End file.
